The Complex Dance of Anger and Grief: Navigating the Emotional Storm
In the realm of grief, emotions can be as tumultuous as the waves of a stormy sea. At the heart of this tempest lies anger, a powerful and complex emotion that often intertwines with the journey of mourning. The grief journey involves various facets of anger, including anger at oneself, regret, anger directed towards the situation, anger towards others, violent anger directed at others, violent anger towards oneself, and even anger directed at inanimate objects. It's a multifaceted emotional experience that can be both challenging and enlightening.
The Power of Principled Passion
Anger often arises from a deep sense of indignation, where we feel that a fundamental principle has been violated. In these moments, we believe that our stance is justified, and this feeling can bestow upon us a sense of power, akin to the energy of a superhero, making us feel invincible. However, when anger emerges in the context of grief, control often slips through our fingers. Whether it's the uncontrollable pain of loss or the persistent ache of hurt, anger can manifest in response to perceived injustices, with outcomes varying from self-directed aggression, both in words and actions, to explosive outbursts towards others or even inanimate objects.
Anger: The Stage of Power
Among the stages of grief, anger is unique. It infuses us with raw, intense power and a deep-seated conviction that we can alter the outcome and reclaim our sense of normalcy. Unlike the other stages like denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, where we might feel powerless, anger stands as a stage where we feel genuinely strong. It is driven by a fundamental principle: "This is not right, and it should not be happening." It's a powerful force, an expression of our shock at the absence of kindness, especially when contrasted with intentional acts aimed at being decent throughout life. Those who frequently call upon anger do so to regain a sense of control amid profound loss.
Redirected Anger and the Path to Healing
In the context of grief, anger can also be redirected. When it becomes evident that anger cannot alter the outcome of death, individuals may try to assert power over those around them, seeking a sense of authority and direction through sheer will. However, the redirection of anger can lead to damaged interpersonal relationships due to misunderstandings. But the healing process begins with understanding the individual's deep sense of loss and helping them transition from anger to healthier coping mechanisms. Expressing regret, rebuilding positive relationships, and offering support can aid in the reintegration of individuals who have relied on anger as a means of navigating grief.
Empowerment and Healing: The True Essence of Anger
In its unique way, anger can be seen as a form of denialism, an attempt to construct a false reality using passionate emotions, brute force, and intense feelings. It seeks to change or relive the past, to make things right, even if only for a fleeting moment. At its core, anger is a coping mechanism, an attempt to regain a sense of control in the face of profound loss.
When anger is rooted in a perception of injustice, it's essential to create a supportive environment where individuals are heard, seen, and cared for. Their core and spiritual needs should be addressed, providing love, compassion, and empathy during times of profound change.
As chaplains, we play a vital role in helping individuals navigate the complex emotions of anger and grief. Our support guides them toward healing, allowing them to envision a future that, while different from what they once knew, can still be filled with hope and meaningful experiences.
Faith Traditions on Anger
Those who spend in prosperity and adversity, and those who suppress anger and pardon men; and Allah loves those who do good; And those who, when they commit a foul deed or wrong themselves, remember Allah and implore forgiveness for their sins – and who can forgive sins except Allah? – and do not persist knowingly in what they have done.
Islam, The Holy Qur’an, 3:135-136
Abu Hurairah (ra) reported that the Holy Prophet (sa) said, ‘The strong man is not the good wrestler; the strong man is only he who controls himself when he is angry.’
Islam, The Holy Prophet (sa), Hadith of Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim
If you wish to inherit pure knowledge, do not utter anything out of anger, for such a thing would be empty of wisdom and true understanding.
Islam, The Promised Messiah (as), The Essence of Islam, Volume 4, p. 298
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.
Christianity, The Bible, Proverbs 16:32
Anger deprives a sage of his wisdom, a prophet of his vision.
Judaism, Talmud, Pesahim 66B
If an evil man, on hearing of what is good, comes and creates a disturbance, you should hold your peace. You must not angrily upbraid him; then he who has come to curse you will merely harm himself.
Buddhism, Sutra of Forty-Two Sections 7
Sam Williams, MDiv, BCC
Professional Crisis Support Chaplain
Connecting Humans Mobile Chaplaincy
Comments