Out of Control
After enduring life altering moments we can feel completely out of control. Suffering the decline/death of a loved one, losing the ability to perform activities of daily living, sustaining non recoverable injuries and the like create feelings of entrapment. When processing grief in situations where we feel trapped there are times when bargaining becomes a last ditch attempt to force a return to better days. Bargaining can look like asking God, the universe, or another authority to intervene in the situation on your behalf. It can show itself as a grieving individual saying, "It should have been me."
A Rush of Emotions
Bargaining comingles with different emotions; some of note are - despair, devastation, hope, fear, regret, heaviness. Taking note of which emotions present when in the bargaining stage is helpful to identifying the individuals' goal while bargaining or making the request. For example, an individual experiencing regret when making the request of God to return their loved one is more than a request to have the person simply return to life. The griever is wishing to repair the broken part of the relationship shared with their person - death in this example snatches this opportunity from the griever. The griever now must handle the other emotions that will accompany regret as well as dealing with their mortality. Bargaining can be seen as a way for someone or something more powerful than ourselves to make things "right" again.
Deal Making
While bargaining, the petitioner often assesses what the authority figure might desire of them and emphatically express their loyalty to completing said tasks if they could have the one large request. This can look like pledging to live a more principled life following the incident or promising gifts to medical teams if they can bring back your person. Ultimately in the moment, the griever feels hopeful they can positively impact the situation if they sacrifice of themselves something deeply meaningful.
Evolving Solutions
Permanent life changes feel "set in stone". After certain transitions occur there is no opportunity to process through or resolve issues. As time passes the griever who attempts to bargain sees little come of their efforts. While this newfound revelation may not prevent the griever from continuing to bargain, it does give gentle reminders that life has changed. Adjustment and growth are principles of biology. We are constantly faced with obstacles and we are forced through circumstance to face and navigate through them. Permanent life changes such as the death of a bread winner or of a child create deeply complicated and unique challenges. However reminders that a new normal has begun is helpful because once accepted, the survivor can began focusing their energies on navigating the new challenges instead of attempting to avoid the challenge entirely.
Be Kind
Gentle encouragement and kindness is ideal for those in the bargaining stage. While the griever works through this stage they must have safe places to process their emotions connected to their bargaining. Providing an emotionally safe space as a supporter and professional is important as is the griever being kind to themselves. Self depreciation can begin to creep in during this stage due to the influx of emotions and inability to change the situation. See post: Stages of Grief - Understanding Depression.
Sam Williams, MDiv., BCC
Crisis Support Chaplain
Connecting Humans Mobile Chaplaincy
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