A Drastic Change
When life altering moments happen we are sent on a roller coaster of meaning making while also attempting to grasp what these new changes look like moving forward day to day. Initially, our minds work to hold onto what we are familiar with - our normal routines are a safe haven from the jarring new reality. During the stage of "Denial", we respond to the intense stress by clinging to what is familiar so that we do not have to feel the impending pain accompanying the change. In our minds we imagine a reality where the life altering moment did not occur and attempt to live in that space.
Waking Nightmares
Denial can feel like you are in a dream where you just need to wake up and things will go to as they were moments before the change. There is a dream like quality in being awake while witnessing an event you are not emotionally ready to accept. This is why many people say this part of the grief experience feels like a nightmare. When in a nightmare, we experience many emotions - intense fear/anxiety, confusion, abandonment, frustration, powerlessness, vulnerability, threatened, and lonely to name a few. These are the same emotions we experience when dealing with a major loss; Intense fear/anxiety about what this loss means, confusion as to how it could have happened, abandoned by those you trusted, frustrated things are unraveling, powerless to change the outcome, vulnerable to impending threats, and lonely because your person/life is not the same as they were.
Suit of Armor
Denying the authenticity of your experience functions as a protection against having to face the new challenges now created. We, for a time, do not have to process the influx of difficult thoughts and a slight relief/rebound is created from the initial shock when receiving the bad news. This effort to protect ourselves from vulnerability can only be short lived, as the longer time continues more and more information will reconfirm the truth of what happened - whether the medical team/family sharing news, inability to access the individual as you used to, or a myriad of other reminders. Denial tends to follow the initial shock, but as time continues, other stages typically introduce themselves in varying order. Only when we have accepted the reality of the situation can we begin to bargain for a better outcome, be angry about the injustice of the moment, become depressed due to the changes, and finally have completed the grief journey. Because of this, using denial as a coat of armor is not a lasting solution to handling the emotional pain associated with the loss.
Gentle Pull of the Clock
Each second passes by at a consistent rate and rhythm. Time will continue to move forward in spite of any life event we have begun to experience. Because of this, the gentle pull of the clock often helps move people from denial. The body will need to process the other emotions and with time denial will give way to the other stages of grief. When finding yourself or another in the denial stage be kind and allow time to pass pulling your person from this stage. If they become stuck in denial allowing them to express themselves openly gives them the chance to process where they are emotionally. During this time they might express their shock; reviewing the experience of receiving the bad news is helpful in allowing the griever to share how they felt while receiving the news.
Trust Over Fear
Fear is at the heart of denial. Fear of future unknowns can at times cause someone to become stuck in denial. Support from a loving community during this time is crucial to creating a safe space to process the growing fears. Trusting oneself is important as we have been able to survive every change in our lives up to this current moment. In the past, the changes felt and were very intense but we still were able to grow accustomed to the new normal. This new life change is one of a long line of experiences you have needed to navigate. Just as the changes throughout your history have been navigated so to will this one, in time. As time moves forward trust that you will be able to handle each moment as it comes, just as you always have.
Sam Williams, MDiv, BCC | President/CEO
Professional Crisis Support Chaplain
Connecting Humans Mobile Chaplaincy
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